The Heart of a Child

This is the thirty-second in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.

December 21, 2009

The shortest day of the year has come. Always it is a turning point, always a day of celebration for me. Will this mark, as well, the beginning of the end of a long, dark season for me, Lord? The darkness has at times threatened to overwhelm me. If it had not been for the glorious light of your love, your mercy, your comfort, your presence…surely I would have been swallowed up.

I see more than ever Father how utterly helpless I am. All that I thought I could do, I could handle, all that was in my realm, I tackled without thought of even asking you. I see so plainly now I have missed so much of seeing you at work in my life. Give me the heart of a child, of a Zach, of a Jude….one who still asks, who needs, who may even cry now and then…one who may question when I don’t get my way but is quickly comforted by your arms. Make me as a child, needy and dependent on you. Though you have enabled me to do so much, may I see I truly can DO NOTHING without you!

May you be the first place I go, the first thought that enters my thoughts, the first hope I have when I have need. May I not, “climb in secret to the top of the fridge to sneak the cookies”, but rather ask, that you in your great love and compassion, your justice and mercy, might give to me as you deem wise.

You have broken me Lord, but it is good. The drive, the need to do, to be personally involved…. slowly you have brought me back to a place of wanting nothing more than to sit here and be with you, to talk with you, to hear from you, to know our heart, your plans, your solitude.

Oh Father, Abba, may you become bigger and wiser in my eyes….may I see you for who you are…the giver of all good things….the one who does not withhold from those who love you…the one who asks…almost begs…that I come to you and ask of you. Teach me what it means to ask in your name…to seek you…to know your plans and desires and to ask that I might come along for the ride. Take me with you Lord, wherever you choose to go.