Do You Want to Be Healed?

This is the second of a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. Please see initial post on February 21, 2010.

October 17, 2009

“Do you want to be healed?”

You posed the question to the lame man at the pool of Bethesda, now you pose it to me, Jesus. My reason for hesitation is surely different than his, but my initial response is the same. The lame man assumes healing must come from the physical labor of man, someone to move him into the pool. How foolish, I have often thought, and yet, I search with fingers flying on the keyboard to find the answers of how I might be healed. How foolish!!

You are the great physician, Jesus. By your stripes I am healed. This physical body will one day rise anew, sickness and death dispelled. But for now, for tonight, it would seem you are posing the question to me, “Do you want to be healed?”

My response surprises even me. I do not want to be like this man who was physically healed only to not realize who Jesus is. If my being made whole causes me to lose touch with you, Jesus, then my answer would be no. In my lameness, my blindness, my spiritual paralysis, I have not always recognized you for who you are. These past few months have opened my eyes to you; I have seen you, high and lifted up. I have caught a glimpse of your glory! Rather than longing for what is passed, I look ahead to what is…an eternity with you!

But I do desire to be healed, if that will lead me to sharing of your glory, delighting in your love, declaring the awesome wonder of you. I do not want to go back to what was, a life lived in mundaneness. I have been content to dwell at the pool amid the lame and the blind, looking for one to help me rather than looking to how I might help those around me. Oh that I might be the one to offer sincere love to others!

What joy yesterday to have my time “interrupted” by my son, to be content to enjoy an hour of conversation with him, though there was much to do. To go to my daughter’s home today and sit on the porch, enjoying the beauty of a blustery fall afternoon as I took in the wonder of my grandson, marveling at the beautiful simplicity of being a child. It is for these, my children and grandchildren that I want to be healed, that I might share of your great love and mercy with them.

From surface conversation to heartfelt prayer, Thursday evening dinner with good friends took on a new dimension as they were the first to share in the news I received. My heart now is linked with theirs, for we have journeyed together through the valley of the shadow. I am truly feeling sheer joy and pain and delight in the journey. This is the gift you have given in my infirmity of the past few months.

And now, a potentially bigger challenge is in my path. I do not know the outcome, but if indeed this is your Spirit asking me tonight, “Do you want to be healed?” I respond with reverent fear, “Yes…heal my body as you have already healed my soul. Make me a servant of your people, may the days allotted to me have purpose in you.”

Merciful Father, may I have length of days to show mercy to others.