Do You Believe?

This is the thirtieth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.

Dec 12, 2009

“Do you believe?” The words were so audible, surely you were here speaking them to me. “Robyn, do you believe?”

My mind scurried to the scripture where you posed those word to Martha, thinking I KNEW what you were asking. Now I am left asking, “Do I really believe?”

Martha came as I. She knew you had the power to heal and even to give life where death had laid claim. “Lord if you had been here (if you had answered my FIRST prayer) my brother would not have died.” (I know you could have healed him Lord…I don’t understand why you didn’t!) But…even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you. (I still know you can work in this situation…my question is…WILL you? Come on Jesus, all you have to do is ask. Please ask!)

You responded, “Your brother will rise again.”

Like me, Martha’s response was the ‘fall back faith’ I find in my own life. “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection in the last day.” (Jesus, I know, it is about heaven. There all things will be made right…nor more death, sickness, pain or sorrow. That is the ULTIMATE healing. But today, Lord, I was hoping for healing, for life, HERE. With my lips I give you the correct answer, but surely you know my heart.)

Your reply, Jesus, cuts to the very core. “I AM the resurrection and the life. Whosoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he lives and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.”

Is this not what Martha just said? What am I missing? Was it that Martha simply believed you had an “in” with the Father? That as her friend, maybe you could call in a favor or two? Her eyes saw only the here and now…that was all she could focus on…her pain, her sorrow, her grief. Resurrection someday brought no relief, no joy….not this day.

Is that me, Lord? Have I simply asked of you as I would a friend who owes me a favor? Have I thought if I petitioned enough, prayed and begged long enough, maybe God would answer my prayers?

Lift my eyes to see you, Jesus, the great I AM. You don’t give life, you ARE life. You ARE the resurrection. You ARE healing. You ARE all in all. Though you should touch this body of mine today, some day, at some point, I will still die. I will depart from this earthly shell. My hope is not in what you can do for me here, but in WHO you are!

Oh Jesus, lift up my eyes beyond my narrow scope of this world. Yes, like Martha, like Mary…I desire, I ask that you give me physical healing and life, here, today. But cement the answer in my heart to the higher question, “Do you believe?”

No matter what happens here, oh Lord, keep my eyes fixed on eternity….on You, the Eternal One. Cause me to know, deep in my soul, that in you I have hope. Not in the answers you give or the things you might do…but in you and you alone. I believe oh Lord, now help my unbelief.