This is the thirtieth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
Dec 12, 2009
“Do you believe?” The words were so audible, surely you were here speaking them to me. “Robyn, do you believe?”
My mind scurried to the scripture where you posed those word to Martha, thinking I KNEW what you were asking. Now I am left asking, “Do I really believe?”
Martha came as I. She knew you had the power to heal and even to give life where death had laid claim. “Lord if you had been here (if you had answered my FIRST prayer) my brother would not have died.” (I know you could have healed him Lord…I don’t understand why you didn’t!) But…even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you. (I still know you can work in this situation…my question is…WILL you? Come on Jesus, all you have to do is ask. Please ask!)
You responded, “Your brother will rise again.”
Like me, Martha’s response was the ‘fall back faith’ I find in my own life. “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection in the last day.” (Jesus, I know, it is about heaven. There all things will be made right…nor more death, sickness, pain or sorrow. That is the ULTIMATE healing. But today, Lord, I was hoping for healing, for life, HERE. With my lips I give you the correct answer, but surely you know my heart.)
Your reply, Jesus, cuts to the very core. “I AM the resurrection and the life. Whosoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he lives and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.”
Is this not what Martha just said? What am I missing? Was it that Martha simply believed you had an “in” with the Father? That as her friend, maybe you could call in a favor or two? Her eyes saw only the here and now…that was all she could focus on…her pain, her sorrow, her grief. Resurrection someday brought no relief, no joy….not this day.
Is that me, Lord? Have I simply asked of you as I would a friend who owes me a favor? Have I thought if I petitioned enough, prayed and begged long enough, maybe God would answer my prayers?
Lift my eyes to see you, Jesus, the great I AM. You don’t give life, you ARE life. You ARE the resurrection. You ARE healing. You ARE all in all. Though you should touch this body of mine today, some day, at some point, I will still die. I will depart from this earthly shell. My hope is not in what you can do for me here, but in WHO you are!
Oh Jesus, lift up my eyes beyond my narrow scope of this world. Yes, like Martha, like Mary…I desire, I ask that you give me physical healing and life, here, today. But cement the answer in my heart to the higher question, “Do you believe?”
No matter what happens here, oh Lord, keep my eyes fixed on eternity….on You, the Eternal One. Cause me to know, deep in my soul, that in you I have hope. Not in the answers you give or the things you might do…but in you and you alone. I believe oh Lord, now help my unbelief.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I Wait for the Lord
This is the twenty-ninth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 10, 2010
Psalm 130 “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I hope. My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen for the morning.”
It has seemed a long night, Lord, a long two months, a long year. You have brought me to a place of waiting for you, of longing for you.
At first read, I thought only of the watchmen, longing to be done with the night that they might rest, that they might let down their guard, that they might be warmed by the fire of dawns light.
But it is not the morning you have caused me to ultimately desire…though I do long for this seemingly endless night to come to an end. Rather as the watchmen desires the morning, so I desire you….more than an end to the night…you are the eternal dawn. The light that never ceases to shine…the new day without end!
Oh Lord, I love you, I desire you, but the very fact that my first thought was a desire for the end of “this night” reveals the depth of what remains in my heart.
And you would speak, “Oh Israel (Oh child of mine) hope in the Lord, for with the Lord there is steadfast love”.
May my eyes be lifted above my circumstance, oh Lord, as I see you in the storm, may I desire your truth…your voice…your mercy… your grace… your redemption… your forgiveness.
Carry me Lord, close to your heart.
December 10, 2010
Psalm 130 “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I hope. My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen for the morning.”
It has seemed a long night, Lord, a long two months, a long year. You have brought me to a place of waiting for you, of longing for you.
At first read, I thought only of the watchmen, longing to be done with the night that they might rest, that they might let down their guard, that they might be warmed by the fire of dawns light.
But it is not the morning you have caused me to ultimately desire…though I do long for this seemingly endless night to come to an end. Rather as the watchmen desires the morning, so I desire you….more than an end to the night…you are the eternal dawn. The light that never ceases to shine…the new day without end!
Oh Lord, I love you, I desire you, but the very fact that my first thought was a desire for the end of “this night” reveals the depth of what remains in my heart.
And you would speak, “Oh Israel (Oh child of mine) hope in the Lord, for with the Lord there is steadfast love”.
May my eyes be lifted above my circumstance, oh Lord, as I see you in the storm, may I desire your truth…your voice…your mercy… your grace… your redemption… your forgiveness.
Carry me Lord, close to your heart.
Only By Your Mercy
This is the twenty-eighth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 6, 2009
Psalm 119…How long since I have read it in its entirety. Surely the truth has always been there, only now I am seeing it with a new heart and new eyes. Countless times the Psalmist declares his love for your law, your precepts, your commands and your statutes. He tells of his desire, his attempts, his accomplishments at keeping that very law…looking, perhaps even disdainfully, on those who do not.
He pleads his case, that you should answer his prayers because he keeps your laws. He asks to be given life, according to your justice. Oh God, how that has been me. “See what I have done, Lord. See how I have kept His ways, world! See, I am righteous. I have chosen well. See God….and now give me life because of all I have done.”
It is not my seeking, my doing, my keeping, rather it is “MY GOD.” All my promises are empty for my flesh is weak and so swiftly I will fail. It is good to keep your commands, for they keep me in a way that is right and true. But it is only by your mercy I breathe, only because of your Holy spirit I can praise you.
Seek your servant Lord, I deserve nothing, yet I fall upon your mercy.
December 6, 2009
Psalm 119…How long since I have read it in its entirety. Surely the truth has always been there, only now I am seeing it with a new heart and new eyes. Countless times the Psalmist declares his love for your law, your precepts, your commands and your statutes. He tells of his desire, his attempts, his accomplishments at keeping that very law…looking, perhaps even disdainfully, on those who do not.
He pleads his case, that you should answer his prayers because he keeps your laws. He asks to be given life, according to your justice. Oh God, how that has been me. “See what I have done, Lord. See how I have kept His ways, world! See, I am righteous. I have chosen well. See God….and now give me life because of all I have done.”
It is not my seeking, my doing, my keeping, rather it is “MY GOD.” All my promises are empty for my flesh is weak and so swiftly I will fail. It is good to keep your commands, for they keep me in a way that is right and true. But it is only by your mercy I breathe, only because of your Holy spirit I can praise you.
Seek your servant Lord, I deserve nothing, yet I fall upon your mercy.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
To See You
This is the twenty-seventh in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 3, 2009
Job, how much he went through! How often I have read his story and thought, “Yeah…go for it…persevere…show that God is in control and can do all that he chooses…for his purpose!” But now I understand Job, I feel just a small amount of the pain, the fear, the sorrow, the waiting, the enduring…though my plight is so much smaller. Thus, I too find humbleness and comfort in the majesty of God’s voice speaking and sharing and communicating with Job from the whirlwind .
Oh Lord, I heard that voice in the early moments of all this; have I moved or have you been silent for a season, causing me to stand firm, to affirm all that I know to be true?
Even as Job declares, “I have heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you.” All these years I have heard of you, read of you, come to know about you; you have brought faith by the hearing of your word. Now, like Job, my eye needs to see you…in your splendor, your majesty, your eternal I AM. To be overwhelmed by your presence, to fall before you in wonder, in repentance, in humility.
Bring that from this pain, oh God. May my lips not speak foolishly of things I have no knowledge of. You do all things well…for your glory…for reason I may never know. Reveal your majesty to me Lord, give me a renewed glimpse of God.
December 3, 2009
Job, how much he went through! How often I have read his story and thought, “Yeah…go for it…persevere…show that God is in control and can do all that he chooses…for his purpose!” But now I understand Job, I feel just a small amount of the pain, the fear, the sorrow, the waiting, the enduring…though my plight is so much smaller. Thus, I too find humbleness and comfort in the majesty of God’s voice speaking and sharing and communicating with Job from the whirlwind .
Oh Lord, I heard that voice in the early moments of all this; have I moved or have you been silent for a season, causing me to stand firm, to affirm all that I know to be true?
Even as Job declares, “I have heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you.” All these years I have heard of you, read of you, come to know about you; you have brought faith by the hearing of your word. Now, like Job, my eye needs to see you…in your splendor, your majesty, your eternal I AM. To be overwhelmed by your presence, to fall before you in wonder, in repentance, in humility.
Bring that from this pain, oh God. May my lips not speak foolishly of things I have no knowledge of. You do all things well…for your glory…for reason I may never know. Reveal your majesty to me Lord, give me a renewed glimpse of God.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Do I Know You?
This is the twenty-sixth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 1, 2009
Do I know you Lord? I have read about you, taught about you, given my life to you…but do I know you? Is that what you are doing in this time? Are you taking that which I perceive to be difficult and fearful and using it to reveal yourself to me?
This I know, Lord, in the darkness of night when fear closes in, when even my very breath seems to ebb, it is your name I cry sweet Jesus. Men and medicine cannot bring the help I ultimately need. I need the help that comes from knowing that you and you alone are my keeper (Psalm 121). Because of you “the moon shall not stumble me by night…you will keep me from evil…you will keep my life”.
The nights are hard, Lord, it is in the hour of darkness when my body betrays me. I will cling to your promise…tonight…that the moon shall not strike me…that darkness will not cause my body to react in fear…that you ARE the keeper of my life.
Do I know you Lord? I do, in part, and yet you would have me to know you more. For in knowing comes trust and in trust, is rest. I am laboring, Lord, laboring to enter into your rest. Dispel my unbelief. I believe that you have saved me and that you can heal me. May I rest in your steadfast love, in who you are, in knowing that you do all things well.
December 1, 2009
Do I know you Lord? I have read about you, taught about you, given my life to you…but do I know you? Is that what you are doing in this time? Are you taking that which I perceive to be difficult and fearful and using it to reveal yourself to me?
This I know, Lord, in the darkness of night when fear closes in, when even my very breath seems to ebb, it is your name I cry sweet Jesus. Men and medicine cannot bring the help I ultimately need. I need the help that comes from knowing that you and you alone are my keeper (Psalm 121). Because of you “the moon shall not stumble me by night…you will keep me from evil…you will keep my life”.
The nights are hard, Lord, it is in the hour of darkness when my body betrays me. I will cling to your promise…tonight…that the moon shall not strike me…that darkness will not cause my body to react in fear…that you ARE the keeper of my life.
Do I know you Lord? I do, in part, and yet you would have me to know you more. For in knowing comes trust and in trust, is rest. I am laboring, Lord, laboring to enter into your rest. Dispel my unbelief. I believe that you have saved me and that you can heal me. May I rest in your steadfast love, in who you are, in knowing that you do all things well.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
If It Be Possible
This is the twenty-fifth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
November 30, 2009
“If it be possible….” These were the words that you spoke to your father, Jesus. These are the words I echo in prayer this morning. For you, Jesus, there could be no other way, for you came to purchase my salvation and the salvation of all who would be given you by your Father. For the first time, in my illness, in my test of health, in my fear of knowing what may lie ahead, I am reminded again of how human you were. For the first time I grasp a small understanding of what caused you to be sorrowful and troubled. Surely in your humanity there was a desire not to have to walk through the pain which lay ahead. And so you prayed, “If there be any other way….”
That is my prayer this morning Father. I catch a glimpse of the pain I might have to walk through and I am troubled, fearful, I tremble at the specter of that journey and the death that may follow. To say I have no fear would be to lie, to sin. Like Jesus said to his disciples, there, in the garden, “The Spirit is willing, but my flesh…..ah Lord…it is so weak.”
I do not want to be tempted to walk away from what you may ask. I need you Lord, I need to seek your face, to kneel before you, that I might once again be strengthened by you. It was in his time with you, Father, that Jesus found strength and purpose, the ability to go forward.
I do ask…if it be possible, let this cup pass. If there is something you can accomplish only in this, give me a heart that is willing to say, “Your will be done.” And then give me the understanding it is of you when the time is at hand to walk through it.
Your will is a mystery at times, on Lord. Until you speak else wise, I will continue to petition you, to ask you to heal me…even as I ask that of you now. Remove the nodule, the growth, let this cup pass from me.
I cry out to you, my Father. Give strength to my flesh that I might be found crying out to you ever more.
November 30, 2009
“If it be possible….” These were the words that you spoke to your father, Jesus. These are the words I echo in prayer this morning. For you, Jesus, there could be no other way, for you came to purchase my salvation and the salvation of all who would be given you by your Father. For the first time, in my illness, in my test of health, in my fear of knowing what may lie ahead, I am reminded again of how human you were. For the first time I grasp a small understanding of what caused you to be sorrowful and troubled. Surely in your humanity there was a desire not to have to walk through the pain which lay ahead. And so you prayed, “If there be any other way….”
That is my prayer this morning Father. I catch a glimpse of the pain I might have to walk through and I am troubled, fearful, I tremble at the specter of that journey and the death that may follow. To say I have no fear would be to lie, to sin. Like Jesus said to his disciples, there, in the garden, “The Spirit is willing, but my flesh…..ah Lord…it is so weak.”
I do not want to be tempted to walk away from what you may ask. I need you Lord, I need to seek your face, to kneel before you, that I might once again be strengthened by you. It was in his time with you, Father, that Jesus found strength and purpose, the ability to go forward.
I do ask…if it be possible, let this cup pass. If there is something you can accomplish only in this, give me a heart that is willing to say, “Your will be done.” And then give me the understanding it is of you when the time is at hand to walk through it.
Your will is a mystery at times, on Lord. Until you speak else wise, I will continue to petition you, to ask you to heal me…even as I ask that of you now. Remove the nodule, the growth, let this cup pass from me.
I cry out to you, my Father. Give strength to my flesh that I might be found crying out to you ever more.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A Beginning and An End
This is the twenty-fourth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
November 19, 2009
Am I hearing you, Lord? Sweet whispers again, last night following Brett’s teaching and during communion, “It has a beginning and an end.”
Just as Isaiah had a mission, a purpose, a directive, difficult and humiliating though it was, it was something he would always be remembered for; having to walk naked and exposed before the people. And then there is Ezekial, directed by God to lie on his side for 390 days, then 40 on the next…to eat food cooked over dung…illogical to my mind yet filled with purpose in the mind of God.
Sitting there at your feet last night, remembering your purpose Jesus, the shedding of your blood, the breaking of your body, you spoke to my heart. “This is my purpose for you, Robyn. You may not understand, you may feel open and exposed and very uncomfortable…it may not seem logical…but it IS my purpose. This is how you are to be about the Father’s business. Walk through this. It has a beginning AND it has an end. You will arise and walk forth from it.”
I heard hope in that Lord, did I hear you correctly? This will have an end, as that of Isaiah and Ezekial, an end here while I am yet “in the land of the living”. O Lord, confirm that in my heart. For today it has given me hope and comfort, knowing that this season may be difficult, but I will live and remain to tell of it.
You are using this that you have given to reveal to me more of you and more of my own heart…how wide is that chasm, Lord. I plead as David of old, “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
Use this Lord to break me, to shape me, to make me over into your image. May my heart ever be tender towards those who walk a similar path. May your Spirit flow forth from this wounded body with healing water that refreshes all who pass by.
May the season of pain, of wondering, of fear pass, but may that which it produces remain forever.
Amen and Amen.
November 19, 2009
Am I hearing you, Lord? Sweet whispers again, last night following Brett’s teaching and during communion, “It has a beginning and an end.”
Just as Isaiah had a mission, a purpose, a directive, difficult and humiliating though it was, it was something he would always be remembered for; having to walk naked and exposed before the people. And then there is Ezekial, directed by God to lie on his side for 390 days, then 40 on the next…to eat food cooked over dung…illogical to my mind yet filled with purpose in the mind of God.
Sitting there at your feet last night, remembering your purpose Jesus, the shedding of your blood, the breaking of your body, you spoke to my heart. “This is my purpose for you, Robyn. You may not understand, you may feel open and exposed and very uncomfortable…it may not seem logical…but it IS my purpose. This is how you are to be about the Father’s business. Walk through this. It has a beginning AND it has an end. You will arise and walk forth from it.”
I heard hope in that Lord, did I hear you correctly? This will have an end, as that of Isaiah and Ezekial, an end here while I am yet “in the land of the living”. O Lord, confirm that in my heart. For today it has given me hope and comfort, knowing that this season may be difficult, but I will live and remain to tell of it.
You are using this that you have given to reveal to me more of you and more of my own heart…how wide is that chasm, Lord. I plead as David of old, “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
Use this Lord to break me, to shape me, to make me over into your image. May my heart ever be tender towards those who walk a similar path. May your Spirit flow forth from this wounded body with healing water that refreshes all who pass by.
May the season of pain, of wondering, of fear pass, but may that which it produces remain forever.
Amen and Amen.
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