This is the thirty-fourth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 24, 2009
This is where it finally comes to, O Lord. “I have fled to you for refuge.”
As your word declares, even as your servant cried out, “Give ear to my pleas for mercy! I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done.”
You have been merciful, Lord, even when I did not plead for mercy. You have worked mightily in the lives and hearts of my family, my children. This I count dear. I remember Lord, and I know….I have deserved none of it, how often I have even failed to ask. Yet in your great love and kindness you poured out your blessings. I did not always understand, but as I remember, I see your hand so clearly.
Now Lord, “I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.” How I need you Lord, more than life itself. I need you TO live. Transform my mind, O Lord, that the first thought I have every morning is of you, that in every moment of each decision I make throughout the day, I will inquire of you. “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me.”
You are my only hope. Not doctors, not procedures, not “the odds”. In you alone I trust….indeed, I HAVE fled to you for refuge.
“What will this next week bring, the tests, the CT scan, the doctor appointment?” These are the questions which plagued my mind this morning as I gazed upon yet another glorious winter sunrise. With surety you directed me to Psalm 143. How it mirrored the very depths of my own soul. I throw myself upon your mercy Lord, I cry out to you alone who is mighty to save.
You alone hold my life in your hands, Jesus. It is only by your stripes I am healed. You alone bore the pain. I think of little Gabe last night, he was so sad as he understood, perhaps for the first time, that you had to go to the cross. Oh Lord, may I be as Gabe, sad over what my sin caused you to endure, yet rejoicing that you came as a baby, you endured as a man…and you died as a slain lamb to be my Savior. I am so sorry for my sin, my pride, my arrogance, for all that you bore on the cross…but so thankful you chose to die for me.
I know I can trust you my Lord, it is not in fear but with joy that I flee to you for refuge. In you there is safety. You are the secure place where I can be kept this week and in the weeks and months and years to come. Hide me Lord, keep me from venturing too far.
“For your names sake, O Lord, preserve my life!”
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Do Not Fear
This is the thirty-third in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 23, 2009
You have opened these blind eyes, Lord, plainly I see I am that woman with the issue of blood. Without your touch I will grow weaker and weaker, not just physically but in my spirit, in my soul. For too long I have looked everywhere else to solve the issues of my life…how I desire to rely solely on you.
Lord Jesus, I reach out to touch you... to grab hold of the hem of your garment ….knowing that in you comes not only my physical healing but the healing that comes from your words, “Go in Peace”.
I am done, Lord, with trying to do it my way, with believing that God helps those who help themselves. I want to abandon myself to you…where ever that takes me. Touch me, Lord, as I touch you.
And I hear you whisper……”Do not fear, only believe”.
December 23, 2009
You have opened these blind eyes, Lord, plainly I see I am that woman with the issue of blood. Without your touch I will grow weaker and weaker, not just physically but in my spirit, in my soul. For too long I have looked everywhere else to solve the issues of my life…how I desire to rely solely on you.
Lord Jesus, I reach out to touch you... to grab hold of the hem of your garment ….knowing that in you comes not only my physical healing but the healing that comes from your words, “Go in Peace”.
I am done, Lord, with trying to do it my way, with believing that God helps those who help themselves. I want to abandon myself to you…where ever that takes me. Touch me, Lord, as I touch you.
And I hear you whisper……”Do not fear, only believe”.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Heart of a Child
This is the thirty-second in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 21, 2009
The shortest day of the year has come. Always it is a turning point, always a day of celebration for me. Will this mark, as well, the beginning of the end of a long, dark season for me, Lord? The darkness has at times threatened to overwhelm me. If it had not been for the glorious light of your love, your mercy, your comfort, your presence…surely I would have been swallowed up.
I see more than ever Father how utterly helpless I am. All that I thought I could do, I could handle, all that was in my realm, I tackled without thought of even asking you. I see so plainly now I have missed so much of seeing you at work in my life. Give me the heart of a child, of a Zach, of a Jude….one who still asks, who needs, who may even cry now and then…one who may question when I don’t get my way but is quickly comforted by your arms. Make me as a child, needy and dependent on you. Though you have enabled me to do so much, may I see I truly can DO NOTHING without you!
May you be the first place I go, the first thought that enters my thoughts, the first hope I have when I have need. May I not, “climb in secret to the top of the fridge to sneak the cookies”, but rather ask, that you in your great love and compassion, your justice and mercy, might give to me as you deem wise.
You have broken me Lord, but it is good. The drive, the need to do, to be personally involved…. slowly you have brought me back to a place of wanting nothing more than to sit here and be with you, to talk with you, to hear from you, to know our heart, your plans, your solitude.
Oh Father, Abba, may you become bigger and wiser in my eyes….may I see you for who you are…the giver of all good things….the one who does not withhold from those who love you…the one who asks…almost begs…that I come to you and ask of you. Teach me what it means to ask in your name…to seek you…to know your plans and desires and to ask that I might come along for the ride. Take me with you Lord, wherever you choose to go.
December 21, 2009
The shortest day of the year has come. Always it is a turning point, always a day of celebration for me. Will this mark, as well, the beginning of the end of a long, dark season for me, Lord? The darkness has at times threatened to overwhelm me. If it had not been for the glorious light of your love, your mercy, your comfort, your presence…surely I would have been swallowed up.
I see more than ever Father how utterly helpless I am. All that I thought I could do, I could handle, all that was in my realm, I tackled without thought of even asking you. I see so plainly now I have missed so much of seeing you at work in my life. Give me the heart of a child, of a Zach, of a Jude….one who still asks, who needs, who may even cry now and then…one who may question when I don’t get my way but is quickly comforted by your arms. Make me as a child, needy and dependent on you. Though you have enabled me to do so much, may I see I truly can DO NOTHING without you!
May you be the first place I go, the first thought that enters my thoughts, the first hope I have when I have need. May I not, “climb in secret to the top of the fridge to sneak the cookies”, but rather ask, that you in your great love and compassion, your justice and mercy, might give to me as you deem wise.
You have broken me Lord, but it is good. The drive, the need to do, to be personally involved…. slowly you have brought me back to a place of wanting nothing more than to sit here and be with you, to talk with you, to hear from you, to know our heart, your plans, your solitude.
Oh Father, Abba, may you become bigger and wiser in my eyes….may I see you for who you are…the giver of all good things….the one who does not withhold from those who love you…the one who asks…almost begs…that I come to you and ask of you. Teach me what it means to ask in your name…to seek you…to know your plans and desires and to ask that I might come along for the ride. Take me with you Lord, wherever you choose to go.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
In The Fire
This is the thirty-first in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 13, 2009
James 1…As brought to my attention by the Holy Spirit in Brett’s teaching this morning…..
Why have I not landed here before, Lord? Was I not ready to hear? Was I afraid to ask why? And yet, without my verbalizing the question you respond…
“I have a purpose in the trials you are walking through. As metal is put to the fire to purge it of impurities, so I am placing you in the fire of fear, of questioning, of anxiety….that I might purge these things from you. They are impurities that weigh you down, that hinder your faith. Let the fire burn away all fear…‘Lo, I am with you’, all questions… 'I am the Alpha and Omega', all anxiety…’My sheep know my voice’.
I desire that you not simply endure, but that this will be turned to extol my greatness and glory…for others, yes… but truly for you to see. I want to lift up your eyes as you have so often prayed, to see me in My glory, to see me and no longer fear sickness and death…to see me and no longer question what I may or may not do……to see me and be at rest…no longer anxious about what tomorrow may bring. In seeing me you will trust…absolutely….and in turn I will give you strength to bear all that comes your way, for nothing can harm you….the you that is eternal.”
Ah Lord, may it be. Open my eyes, burn away all that hinders me from seeing you. Lift up my head, teach me how to rest and trust in you. I chose to count this time as joy, Lord. Let complaining be removed far from me, let your praise be upon my lips, even as it overflows from my heart.
December 13, 2009
James 1…As brought to my attention by the Holy Spirit in Brett’s teaching this morning…..
Why have I not landed here before, Lord? Was I not ready to hear? Was I afraid to ask why? And yet, without my verbalizing the question you respond…
“I have a purpose in the trials you are walking through. As metal is put to the fire to purge it of impurities, so I am placing you in the fire of fear, of questioning, of anxiety….that I might purge these things from you. They are impurities that weigh you down, that hinder your faith. Let the fire burn away all fear…‘Lo, I am with you’, all questions… 'I am the Alpha and Omega', all anxiety…’My sheep know my voice’.
I desire that you not simply endure, but that this will be turned to extol my greatness and glory…for others, yes… but truly for you to see. I want to lift up your eyes as you have so often prayed, to see me in My glory, to see me and no longer fear sickness and death…to see me and no longer question what I may or may not do……to see me and be at rest…no longer anxious about what tomorrow may bring. In seeing me you will trust…absolutely….and in turn I will give you strength to bear all that comes your way, for nothing can harm you….the you that is eternal.”
Ah Lord, may it be. Open my eyes, burn away all that hinders me from seeing you. Lift up my head, teach me how to rest and trust in you. I chose to count this time as joy, Lord. Let complaining be removed far from me, let your praise be upon my lips, even as it overflows from my heart.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Do You Believe?
This is the thirtieth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
Dec 12, 2009
“Do you believe?” The words were so audible, surely you were here speaking them to me. “Robyn, do you believe?”
My mind scurried to the scripture where you posed those word to Martha, thinking I KNEW what you were asking. Now I am left asking, “Do I really believe?”
Martha came as I. She knew you had the power to heal and even to give life where death had laid claim. “Lord if you had been here (if you had answered my FIRST prayer) my brother would not have died.” (I know you could have healed him Lord…I don’t understand why you didn’t!) But…even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you. (I still know you can work in this situation…my question is…WILL you? Come on Jesus, all you have to do is ask. Please ask!)
You responded, “Your brother will rise again.”
Like me, Martha’s response was the ‘fall back faith’ I find in my own life. “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection in the last day.” (Jesus, I know, it is about heaven. There all things will be made right…nor more death, sickness, pain or sorrow. That is the ULTIMATE healing. But today, Lord, I was hoping for healing, for life, HERE. With my lips I give you the correct answer, but surely you know my heart.)
Your reply, Jesus, cuts to the very core. “I AM the resurrection and the life. Whosoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he lives and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.”
Is this not what Martha just said? What am I missing? Was it that Martha simply believed you had an “in” with the Father? That as her friend, maybe you could call in a favor or two? Her eyes saw only the here and now…that was all she could focus on…her pain, her sorrow, her grief. Resurrection someday brought no relief, no joy….not this day.
Is that me, Lord? Have I simply asked of you as I would a friend who owes me a favor? Have I thought if I petitioned enough, prayed and begged long enough, maybe God would answer my prayers?
Lift my eyes to see you, Jesus, the great I AM. You don’t give life, you ARE life. You ARE the resurrection. You ARE healing. You ARE all in all. Though you should touch this body of mine today, some day, at some point, I will still die. I will depart from this earthly shell. My hope is not in what you can do for me here, but in WHO you are!
Oh Jesus, lift up my eyes beyond my narrow scope of this world. Yes, like Martha, like Mary…I desire, I ask that you give me physical healing and life, here, today. But cement the answer in my heart to the higher question, “Do you believe?”
No matter what happens here, oh Lord, keep my eyes fixed on eternity….on You, the Eternal One. Cause me to know, deep in my soul, that in you I have hope. Not in the answers you give or the things you might do…but in you and you alone. I believe oh Lord, now help my unbelief.
Dec 12, 2009
“Do you believe?” The words were so audible, surely you were here speaking them to me. “Robyn, do you believe?”
My mind scurried to the scripture where you posed those word to Martha, thinking I KNEW what you were asking. Now I am left asking, “Do I really believe?”
Martha came as I. She knew you had the power to heal and even to give life where death had laid claim. “Lord if you had been here (if you had answered my FIRST prayer) my brother would not have died.” (I know you could have healed him Lord…I don’t understand why you didn’t!) But…even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you. (I still know you can work in this situation…my question is…WILL you? Come on Jesus, all you have to do is ask. Please ask!)
You responded, “Your brother will rise again.”
Like me, Martha’s response was the ‘fall back faith’ I find in my own life. “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection in the last day.” (Jesus, I know, it is about heaven. There all things will be made right…nor more death, sickness, pain or sorrow. That is the ULTIMATE healing. But today, Lord, I was hoping for healing, for life, HERE. With my lips I give you the correct answer, but surely you know my heart.)
Your reply, Jesus, cuts to the very core. “I AM the resurrection and the life. Whosoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he lives and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.”
Is this not what Martha just said? What am I missing? Was it that Martha simply believed you had an “in” with the Father? That as her friend, maybe you could call in a favor or two? Her eyes saw only the here and now…that was all she could focus on…her pain, her sorrow, her grief. Resurrection someday brought no relief, no joy….not this day.
Is that me, Lord? Have I simply asked of you as I would a friend who owes me a favor? Have I thought if I petitioned enough, prayed and begged long enough, maybe God would answer my prayers?
Lift my eyes to see you, Jesus, the great I AM. You don’t give life, you ARE life. You ARE the resurrection. You ARE healing. You ARE all in all. Though you should touch this body of mine today, some day, at some point, I will still die. I will depart from this earthly shell. My hope is not in what you can do for me here, but in WHO you are!
Oh Jesus, lift up my eyes beyond my narrow scope of this world. Yes, like Martha, like Mary…I desire, I ask that you give me physical healing and life, here, today. But cement the answer in my heart to the higher question, “Do you believe?”
No matter what happens here, oh Lord, keep my eyes fixed on eternity….on You, the Eternal One. Cause me to know, deep in my soul, that in you I have hope. Not in the answers you give or the things you might do…but in you and you alone. I believe oh Lord, now help my unbelief.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I Wait for the Lord
This is the twenty-ninth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 10, 2010
Psalm 130 “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I hope. My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen for the morning.”
It has seemed a long night, Lord, a long two months, a long year. You have brought me to a place of waiting for you, of longing for you.
At first read, I thought only of the watchmen, longing to be done with the night that they might rest, that they might let down their guard, that they might be warmed by the fire of dawns light.
But it is not the morning you have caused me to ultimately desire…though I do long for this seemingly endless night to come to an end. Rather as the watchmen desires the morning, so I desire you….more than an end to the night…you are the eternal dawn. The light that never ceases to shine…the new day without end!
Oh Lord, I love you, I desire you, but the very fact that my first thought was a desire for the end of “this night” reveals the depth of what remains in my heart.
And you would speak, “Oh Israel (Oh child of mine) hope in the Lord, for with the Lord there is steadfast love”.
May my eyes be lifted above my circumstance, oh Lord, as I see you in the storm, may I desire your truth…your voice…your mercy… your grace… your redemption… your forgiveness.
Carry me Lord, close to your heart.
December 10, 2010
Psalm 130 “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I hope. My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen for the morning.”
It has seemed a long night, Lord, a long two months, a long year. You have brought me to a place of waiting for you, of longing for you.
At first read, I thought only of the watchmen, longing to be done with the night that they might rest, that they might let down their guard, that they might be warmed by the fire of dawns light.
But it is not the morning you have caused me to ultimately desire…though I do long for this seemingly endless night to come to an end. Rather as the watchmen desires the morning, so I desire you….more than an end to the night…you are the eternal dawn. The light that never ceases to shine…the new day without end!
Oh Lord, I love you, I desire you, but the very fact that my first thought was a desire for the end of “this night” reveals the depth of what remains in my heart.
And you would speak, “Oh Israel (Oh child of mine) hope in the Lord, for with the Lord there is steadfast love”.
May my eyes be lifted above my circumstance, oh Lord, as I see you in the storm, may I desire your truth…your voice…your mercy… your grace… your redemption… your forgiveness.
Carry me Lord, close to your heart.
Only By Your Mercy
This is the twenty-eighth in a series of journal entries begun in October, 2009. See initial blog post on February 21, 2010.
December 6, 2009
Psalm 119…How long since I have read it in its entirety. Surely the truth has always been there, only now I am seeing it with a new heart and new eyes. Countless times the Psalmist declares his love for your law, your precepts, your commands and your statutes. He tells of his desire, his attempts, his accomplishments at keeping that very law…looking, perhaps even disdainfully, on those who do not.
He pleads his case, that you should answer his prayers because he keeps your laws. He asks to be given life, according to your justice. Oh God, how that has been me. “See what I have done, Lord. See how I have kept His ways, world! See, I am righteous. I have chosen well. See God….and now give me life because of all I have done.”
It is not my seeking, my doing, my keeping, rather it is “MY GOD.” All my promises are empty for my flesh is weak and so swiftly I will fail. It is good to keep your commands, for they keep me in a way that is right and true. But it is only by your mercy I breathe, only because of your Holy spirit I can praise you.
Seek your servant Lord, I deserve nothing, yet I fall upon your mercy.
December 6, 2009
Psalm 119…How long since I have read it in its entirety. Surely the truth has always been there, only now I am seeing it with a new heart and new eyes. Countless times the Psalmist declares his love for your law, your precepts, your commands and your statutes. He tells of his desire, his attempts, his accomplishments at keeping that very law…looking, perhaps even disdainfully, on those who do not.
He pleads his case, that you should answer his prayers because he keeps your laws. He asks to be given life, according to your justice. Oh God, how that has been me. “See what I have done, Lord. See how I have kept His ways, world! See, I am righteous. I have chosen well. See God….and now give me life because of all I have done.”
It is not my seeking, my doing, my keeping, rather it is “MY GOD.” All my promises are empty for my flesh is weak and so swiftly I will fail. It is good to keep your commands, for they keep me in a way that is right and true. But it is only by your mercy I breathe, only because of your Holy spirit I can praise you.
Seek your servant Lord, I deserve nothing, yet I fall upon your mercy.
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